The Egyptians Got It Wrong

Catty(< for Stew) Versus Dog - a long running debate between I, dog lover and loon who talks babytalk to random dogs and Ourkid AKA Steve my eldest brother. I was 12 when my mama told me about a cat she had saved from the mean streets and housed it in a cupboard(a sideboard lol)wrapped in a towel when she was a young girl. It was pregnant..it gave birth to several gremlins but one was deformed to the point of..well it was just NOT a kitten. The caring and loving mother ate the deformity. Ever since then I have disliked cats immensely. My mum told me she had touched another cat that was so skinny its ribs were sharp...now what the hell is all that about, sharp ribs - just wrong!
When I was 13 and a frequent wagger of skool I had mooched to Ourkids, hoping for time out on my hectic school day(probably just signed the reg and fucked off) He was having his coffee and wilin the day making music. I noticed a dog in the vast garden out back digging in a pile of sand. "Erm Ourkid...whats that dog doing?"
"Making a nest" he says
"Why?" asks the delinquent fatkid.
"For its eggs...dogs lay eggs in sand" he tells me.....
In science lesson at school, a one-off you understand, me being in skool....reproduction lesson....suffice to say I was sent home on a suspension that day for telling Mr Shipway(teacher complete with kipper tie and coffee breath) to "Fuck right off" and "Dogs DO lay eggs cos' my brother told me!!"
Cats are skinny, slinky, smelly, selfish shlags of the night...worship a ho'? Nah the idea of worshipping a rancid furbone is odd to say the least. Sacred? Are you avin' a laff? I hit a catty the other day...seriously it hit my front spoiler like a rat out of a viaduct and hurtled into a bush at the side of the road...I felt bad and I tried to avoid it, slamming on but alas I felt the bump. I dont want to kill them but it was just proof that cats are thick as shit and out to get me...Dogs, ah loving, homely, protective, genuine and caring creatures. Ex bought me a lil miniature Jack Russell a few years ago because I was in a mood and yeh I did the Paris Hilton thang, carrying the poor sod everywhere dressed in green dog clothing. I dont like her anymore though, Menai poor cow! I loved her like a fat kid loves cake then just dropped her and ignored her, just because shes too soft and whiney. Menai to a burglar - "Hi, c'mon in...yeh no problem sit down. Two sugars or one? OOOh got some luvverly carrot cake here, er' indoors has all that organic shite but its nice with a brew. Are you comfy? Yeh the keys to the car and the safe are over there...give me a minute and I'll get them for ya". Dogs are ace lol. Ourkid says that cats are intelligent, dogs are dumb. Cats are self-sufficient and dogs cant do jack shit..I asked him once, "How does a dog decide which direction its going to walk?" Now if a dog was dumb then why would it follow the scent of a scrap of meat or another dogs frontbum? Also a dog can sexually satisfy itsen...a cat can't so nerner. Canines are clever but modest..cats are selfish..stealing your breath in the night and waiting til your new sofa gets delivered from Arighi Bianchi, watches you unwrap the cellophane, even checks the invoice to make sure it cost a few quid then sharpens its fish encrusted claws on it...a dog would just be pleased for you. That all that overtime paid off and glad you would be stayin a lil' bit more and stroking its head whilst it flashed its bollocks at you in front of the fire.
There is a disturbing story that gave me a 5 second dislike for the canine...A man died in his house in my village. His dog started to eat him after only a week...hmm started on his face too. My papa tried to explain the starvation process of the said dog and how a lick of attempted revival turned into a taste for survival(OMG! what a line, how clever am I(and funny))
Im allergic to cats too which doesnt help really...Ourkid and his missus J have 3/4 cats..bleurgh!! One of them there cats tried to rape me on their bed..just wrong, very wrong(I wasnt even flattered). My family have always had dogs...but SOME of us went against the grain and got a penchant for cats YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!
The baby noise shagging cats make turns my stomach..as does cat litter!?! and humanlike sachets of food they have...ewwww! A few years ago I had noticed that an aged lady had been leaving scraps of food outside my gate at the rear of my house and an abundance of cattys had descended. And so I left the odd bit of leftover food too. Ourkid asked me what I had been giving the cats and I told him chicken bones. He went mad and told me that I shouldnt. Cats can get a disease known as Treach from eating cold chicken bones. They can die! Obviously at age 24 Im used to his prankish ways and blags so I refused to believe him but he stuck to the Treach story and even told me to ring papa and check....it was confirmed and I was given a mild bollocking for nearly killing innocent animals....pure shite!!! Made it all up, there is no fucking treach and it was all planned lol...wish there was...pass the chicken....
Fucking cats lmao....