A good friend of mine said it would be a good idea if I published my 'film reviews' online and so here goes.... Titanic review by request....
Fat Kate Winslet and unlikely poor kid DiCaprio team up to make this great story seem unbelievable.
Rich Kate falls for the 'artist' and fights upper class urges to give him one in the back of a black cab, succumbs...cue orgasmic hand on window scene leading to fun and frolics in a naked bedroom romp where Leo brags about his amazing sketches of french whores whilst he doodles Winslet with 'Fairy Liquid' hands that although poor, he clearly does'nt 'do the dishes'. Some nice scenes of spitting off the starboard, a few pikeys in the Titanic basement and flashbacks to an old woman in a see through nightie, a tuxedo and a whole lot of rushing about on the luxury ship later - the Titanic goes down.
A splendid piece of action comes when we see passengers falling hundreds of feet into the cold sea, hitting necks and heads and spine cracking sounds...the shot of the ol' kids in the bed in 3rd Class who are obviously going to drown during the tale of Sleeping Beauty or whatever, told by mama is worthy of an 'aw' and the captain sipping tea whilst the Philharmonic pumps out 'Nearer My God To Thee' on the deck is touching.
Cue more rushing about - this time on a sinking luxury ship....
Kate and Leo are in the ocean and she hauls herself onto the floating door and selfishly refuses Leo a lifesaving seat. Too many paninni's and Chardonnays have given Kate a sizeable arse. And for her sins, Leo - the hero of the underdogs and underclasses - dies. He floats gently down into the polluted murky waters with his seemingly (until I watched the excellent Inception) angelic face.
Flashback to ol'' 80 year old plus size lingerie model Winslet - shes on the deck now and dangling a diamond over the bough.....The anticipation!
..........Kate is peeping through a whistle - the rescue boats are here!
......Naughty nightie is standing on the bars at the boats edge.....
Kate gets rescued - although I noticed that it doesn't show the haul of the sizeable arse onto the rescue boat....
Old woman chucks massive egg-rock-Hope Diamond-sapphire into the sea.
Now listen, this is the crazy part for me - she danced with the poor people, doing pirouettes and toe perching, drank their beer and almost became 'one of them'. Kate falls in love with a poverty stricken chap but then she throws this priceless necklace into the sea? Charity - it seems does not begin at home.
